going back to my first love ....http://softwarebhai.blogspot.com/
ego
There is this small part within every single one of us that craves to be fed..that yearns to be satisfied and ironically never is.
It makes me wonder how much is actually enough for the human ego to reach its 'satiety' point??
Its a simple logic----i feed your ego, you like me..i hurt it and you hate me like there is no tomorrow.
so where does the truth stand in all this pampering?
or does it really have a place at all?
I have ended up unknowingly experimenting along those lines and judged reactions..many a times, i have gone right ahead and blurted out the truth, just to see what really matters.
and as expected, have felt the vibes of hatred towards my frankness steaming in my direction?
'your makeup is too loud today' i once told my friend when she asked me how she looked..she gazed into the mirror and did what she thought was 'toning it down' and asked me if it was okay..to which i gave her an honest answer and told her it was still looking a little garish and that she should opt for milder shades.
Little did i know then, that i was hurting her ego.
It was only when she started dripping sarcasm for a good consecutive five days after the episode that i actually realised where it was coming from.
so u see how it goes, i agree with you, compliment you, support you irrespective of whether i think its right or wrong and you will like me..
If i am honest, i end up hurting your sentiments.
EGO i have realised, is one of the most dangerous of human emotions.
Its not that i haven't fallen prey to it myself, i have too.
It spares noone and ends up destroying the best of relationships.
Pride keeps interfering and keeps us away from confronting the issue and sorting out the problem.
we wait for the other to take a step forward which is what the other waits for too---end result, an issue which is never sorted, an intact ego and ironically, a relationship left in broken pieces, which are impossible to put together.
and then again, there is the convenience with which we label the demon as 'self respect' when it comes to our own self and 'super-ego' when it comes to others----mere self consolation which we hope will last us a lifetime, to save us the guilttrip.
but i ask, is it really worth it??
ego...the reason apologies are not given!
ego...the reason why the silence keeps growing!
ego...the reason the void continues to deepen!
ego...the reason we misunderstand without knowing!
Its a simple logic----i feed your ego, you like me..i hurt it and you hate me like there is no tomorrow.
so where does the truth stand in all this pampering?
or does it really have a place at all?
I have ended up unknowingly experimenting along those lines and judged reactions..many a times, i have gone right ahead and blurted out the truth, just to see what really matters.
and as expected, have felt the vibes of hatred towards my frankness steaming in my direction?
'your makeup is too loud today' i once told my friend when she asked me how she looked..she gazed into the mirror and did what she thought was 'toning it down' and asked me if it was okay..to which i gave her an honest answer and told her it was still looking a little garish and that she should opt for milder shades.
Little did i know then, that i was hurting her ego.
It was only when she started dripping sarcasm for a good consecutive five days after the episode that i actually realised where it was coming from.
so u see how it goes, i agree with you, compliment you, support you irrespective of whether i think its right or wrong and you will like me..
If i am honest, i end up hurting your sentiments.
EGO i have realised, is one of the most dangerous of human emotions.Its not that i haven't fallen prey to it myself, i have too.
It spares noone and ends up destroying the best of relationships.
Pride keeps interfering and keeps us away from confronting the issue and sorting out the problem.
we wait for the other to take a step forward which is what the other waits for too---end result, an issue which is never sorted, an intact ego and ironically, a relationship left in broken pieces, which are impossible to put together.
and then again, there is the convenience with which we label the demon as 'self respect' when it comes to our own self and 'super-ego' when it comes to others----mere self consolation which we hope will last us a lifetime, to save us the guilttrip.
but i ask, is it really worth it??
ego...the reason apologies are not given!
ego...the reason why the silence keeps growing!
ego...the reason the void continues to deepen!
ego...the reason we misunderstand without knowing!
while u were sleeping
some things to be told...
some reasons to be given...
some secrets to be confided...
some moments to be shared
some memories to be cherished...
some tears to be shed...
some truths to be confronted...
some issues to be discussed...
some doubts to be cleared...
some fears to be expressed...
some actions to be explained...
i stare at my reflection in the mirror and for once it tells me to think with my heart and not with my mind.
all of a sudden, i find myself facing a temporary lapse of reason..of logic..
i wait with bated breath half nervous and half anxious ..until im swept away by the dark night into the land of dreams---with these unspoken thoughts still roaming in my head...
but i realise that the morning sun will bring back the harsh wrath of a bitter reality along with it.
try as i might to listen to my heart, it will take me by the hand and pull me into a practical world where logic reigns supreme...
where the realisation that you might never realise how simple it is for you to triumph over that logic if only you tried, will dawn upon once again...
where unspoken thoughts will remain unspoken, maybe just because the moment passed by...while you were sleeping
and tomorrow will still be another day---but perhaps one very different!
Game of life ...
Those from my generation definitely must have, as kids.
Thinking about it, we as grownups still play it nowadays--just that the rules have slightly changed.
Back then, it was all about throwing the dice..
Nowadays, its more about who gets to throw it...
Back then, if the dice rolled out a six, it meant we got an extra go at it...
Nowadays, there are just no second chances...
Back then, the snakes hailed at one stationary spot which we prayed fervently to avoid...
Nowadays, the snakes make it a point to follow you whereever you are going...
Back then, a little cheating was allowed with friends, just to get ahead...
Nowadays, there are no friends----just opponents competing with each other at stab-back & break-neck speec...
Back then, it was all in the spirit of the game...
Nowadays, its all about warcry for victory...
Back then, two people could climb the same ladder and reach the same spot...
Nowadays, you get to climb each rung only after you push someone down as there is only room for one at the top...
Back then, it was a game called 'snakes & ladders'...
Nowadays, its called 'life'!!!
Would I marry this man all over again ?
Would I marry this man all over again ?
He always solves my problems ... big and small ...
... i trust him to give me solutions to problems at office ... help me with my weight loss ... give me frank opinion on my hairstyle...
I am so much a part of his life that not only he doesn't listen when we are talking ... but he doesn't listen even when we are chatting online ;)
He doesn't like plunging necklines ...tight t shirts ... ON Me :)
He is ever ready to be my driver
He is also ready to be my baby sitter so that I can go to parlour for hours
He criticized my cooking just one time ... and learnt a lesson
He keeps reminding (pestering) me to go to the gym 'cause i was a fool to pay lump sum money'
He gets worried if he doesn't hear from me
when he tells me his plans for life where i am always there by default,i sense the deep trust he has in me ...
He can't understand my silence but he tries to act as if he does ;)
His jokes make me go mad !!!
His love notes start with "Hi how are u "
I have this whole bunch of printouts with me ... emails and ecards that my husband had sent to me before our marriage. The pages have turned yellow , but there is a special warmth in them which comes with ten years of marriage .. ten years of trust ...ten years of fights over silly things ... tears ..laughter... fun ... problems ... ten years of togetherness
So would I marry this man all over again ? YES !
What words can I say more, to make you understand, to make you feel
Don't try to read the subtexts, there aren't any.
My words are clear, from me to you.
Don't try to read the subtexts, there aren't any.
My words are clear, from me to you.
Reality strikes ...
our dreams carry us far
On wings of hope ...
holding love by hand...
The journey seems b'ful
untill reality strikes
My second chance...
a million thoughts are playing havoc in my head...
Have you ever felt life moving too fast? so fast that you cant figure out what exactly is happening??
so fast that everything seems almost like a blur, like a hazy vision which will just disappear if you try to reach it in an attempt to make it clearer.
have you ever felt comfortable in the mist overhanging your life?
have you ever felt safe in the dust covering the pages of each chapter written and every chapter yet to be written?
have you felt at peace with the inertia of the moment?
and how much longer does one continue with these conscious excuses to attain happiness out of resistance to the humdrum of life, from fear of losing the security in the normal routine pattern--however discomforting it may be??
the thoughts are still playing havoc in my head...
as i look into the distance, the traffic lights merge with the stillness of the night as if set out to blind me--the silent spectator--as if trying to say something..
i hear life speaking to me...
"you have no right to just stand and view me from a safe distance..sneak out of that safety blanket--step forward and take a closer look..you keep saying that i dont offer second chances dont u? but you are wrong--its me who might be the one needing a second chance and you, the adamant fool who isn't allowing me one"
and in that one fragile undisturbed moment, i realise the undeterred strength of a stubborn fact that can very well be the harshest yet greatest truth in the world...
and i guess its about time---life is waiting!!
Its time for Nirvana :) time to detach myself from these worries whch do nothing other than keep me awake whole night...
So dear life ..here I give you a second chance ... good luck ! make most of it !
Love is about realizing that an imperfect person can make your life perfect.
Love me..when I sip on your coffee.I only want to make sure it tastes just right for you.
Love me...when I am mad.I just want you to say I am the best for you.
Love me...when my annoying habits drive you nuts,you have them too.
Love me...when my cooking is bad,I keep trying for you.
Love me...when I make you watch corny love dramas while the sport is on,I just want to share these moments with you.
Love me...when I spend hours to get ready,I only want to look my best with you.
Love me...when my eyes water suddenly,I actually had a thought of loosing you.
But things change you, see...
Today while browsing thro the Times of India I came across the below old news ...
On Sunday night, Bangalore city claimed yet another suicide victim. Ruchi Shandilya who was just 25, ended her life by hanging herself from the ceiling fan, in her apartment, near Ulsoor lake. She has worked with manoviraj Khosla for three years. He is holidaying abroad and when he heard of her death, he was shocked and completely shattered. She had been married for the past three years to Prashant Kumar and her marriage had run into rough waters. There were constant fights. On Friday, after one such fight, Prashant stormed out of the house and moved into his friend's place.Ruchi later constantly tried to contact him but he did not answer her phone calls. On Monday morning when he returned home, the sight that greeted him was Ruchi's dead body hanging from the ceiling.
What truly breaks my heart in this story is that Ruchi repeatedly tried to reach out. I can empathise completely with her pain and her desperation. Can you imagine her agony for her to have taken this extreme step? It is easy to say "People have fights all the time, why should anyone take their life for that?" Fact is it is not that single fight which would have caused her to end her life. It would have been the last straw that broke the camel's back.
The strongest signals which a person likely to commit suicide gives out is "I cannot go on anymore." They may not say so in so many words, but they may reach out. Suicide is rarely a spur o the moment decision. It is not like how it is shown in the movies.
Suicides can definitely be prevented by talking about issues. And for talking one needs a trusted friend, a confidante and sometimes just somebody who cares enough to listen.
Had Prashant picked up Ruchi's calls, her death would probably have been prevented.
If Ruchi had a close and trusted friend whom she could have called when Prashant did not respond, her death might have been prevented.
If someone who knew Ruchi cared deeply about her, her death could still have been prevented.
What I feel most hurt about is, nobody really cares..For most people, this just a story in thenewspaper which will go into trash pile tomorrow.
In any relationship, fights are inevitable. In life problems are inevitable. But what is needed is talking about it. One cannot cut off from loved ones, the way Prashant did just because he was angry. The least he could have done was pick up her calls. He owed her that much. After all, they must have had something between them, for them to get married.
But things change you, see. (and that was meant sardonically).
On Sunday night, Bangalore city claimed yet another suicide victim. Ruchi Shandilya who was just 25, ended her life by hanging herself from the ceiling fan, in her apartment, near Ulsoor lake. She has worked with manoviraj Khosla for three years. He is holidaying abroad and when he heard of her death, he was shocked and completely shattered. She had been married for the past three years to Prashant Kumar and her marriage had run into rough waters. There were constant fights. On Friday, after one such fight, Prashant stormed out of the house and moved into his friend's place.Ruchi later constantly tried to contact him but he did not answer her phone calls. On Monday morning when he returned home, the sight that greeted him was Ruchi's dead body hanging from the ceiling.
What truly breaks my heart in this story is that Ruchi repeatedly tried to reach out. I can empathise completely with her pain and her desperation. Can you imagine her agony for her to have taken this extreme step? It is easy to say "People have fights all the time, why should anyone take their life for that?" Fact is it is not that single fight which would have caused her to end her life. It would have been the last straw that broke the camel's back.
The strongest signals which a person likely to commit suicide gives out is "I cannot go on anymore." They may not say so in so many words, but they may reach out. Suicide is rarely a spur o the moment decision. It is not like how it is shown in the movies.
Suicides can definitely be prevented by talking about issues. And for talking one needs a trusted friend, a confidante and sometimes just somebody who cares enough to listen.
Had Prashant picked up Ruchi's calls, her death would probably have been prevented.
If Ruchi had a close and trusted friend whom she could have called when Prashant did not respond, her death might have been prevented.
If someone who knew Ruchi cared deeply about her, her death could still have been prevented.
What I feel most hurt about is, nobody really cares..For most people, this just a story in thenewspaper which will go into trash pile tomorrow.
In any relationship, fights are inevitable. In life problems are inevitable. But what is needed is talking about it. One cannot cut off from loved ones, the way Prashant did just because he was angry. The least he could have done was pick up her calls. He owed her that much. After all, they must have had something between them, for them to get married.
But things change you, see. (and that was meant sardonically).
lets face it...
why are we blaming the poor heart all the time?
wrong emotions--we start blaming it for being illogical!
vulnerabilities--we start blaming it for being oversensitive!
falling in love---we start taking pride or blaming it again!
they say---
the heart skips
the heart jumps
the heart glows
the heart fears
the heart rebels
the heart dreams
the heart breaks
they say----
the heart is stubborn
the heart is kind
the heart is brave
the heart is blind
the heart is sweet
they say----
the heart understands the language of love
the heart understands no logic
they say----
"listen to your heart"
"your heart will give u all the answers"
"the heart is always right"
"your heart knows best"
just when exactly are we going to accept the fact that the 'heart' is only a goddamn organ with no relation to love, logic, sentiments and emotions or the lack of it??!
wrong emotions--we start blaming it for being illogical!
vulnerabilities--we start blaming it for being oversensitive!
falling in love---we start taking pride or blaming it again!
they say---
the heart skips
the heart jumps
the heart glows
the heart fears
the heart rebels
the heart dreams
the heart breaks
they say----
the heart is stubborn
the heart is kind
the heart is brave
the heart is blind
the heart is sweet
they say----
the heart understands the language of love
the heart understands no logic
they say----
"listen to your heart"
"your heart will give u all the answers"
"the heart is always right"
"your heart knows best"
just when exactly are we going to accept the fact that the 'heart' is only a goddamn organ with no relation to love, logic, sentiments and emotions or the lack of it??!
Butterfly wings...
I have this butterfly tattoo on my arms ...how I got the tattoo is a different story altogether. But along with the question "Is it a real tattoo?" I get to hear "why a butterfly of all the things ? "
Before a butterfly can emerge out of it’s chrysalis it has to go through a lot of struggling. Yes, struggling. Each time it tries out to escape, acids are being removed from its wings. If someone were to come along and break the chrysalis open for it then the butterfly would die from those acids. In essence the struggle is necessary for the butterfly to survive. Then in the stillness, when the struggle is over, the butterfly can come out and share its beauty with the world.
Before a butterfly can emerge out of it’s chrysalis it has to go through a lot of struggling. Yes, struggling. Each time it tries out to escape, acids are being removed from its wings. If someone were to come along and break the chrysalis open for it then the butterfly would die from those acids. In essence the struggle is necessary for the butterfly to survive. Then in the stillness, when the struggle is over, the butterfly can come out and share its beauty with the world.
We as humans are not any different. There are times that we need to struggle, to rid ourselves of the acids that make up sadness, fear, and anger. It is only at this time when we are exhausted and still, that we begin to hear the Universe whisper to us.
Like a butterfly I want to live in the moment and not in days or years ...
Like a butterfly I want to live in the moment and not in days or years ...
Colors of life ...
Life in 'black & white' has always been the simpler option..the easier one to lead.
The greys can only confuse us and colours, most often than not, prove to be just a passing phase--an illusion!
yet colours are far more fascinating to the human eye and greys carry with them hopes of endless possibilities, which even though out of reach are something the heart doesn't want to give up on.
Perhaps thats exactly why we often see things in 'black & white' only in hindsight. It is only then that we realise that had we not spent so much time in searching for those elusive 'colours' and deciphering (or trying to decipher)those confusing 'greys', life would have been so much less complicated.
Having realised the reality of the whole situation, our heart silently promises our mind that it would never fall prey to these rose tinted mirages again.
...until one day, suddenly out of the blues, we see a palette full of colours lying around somewhere.
The heart skips a beat..the mind reminds it of its promise.
The heart does a flip flop..the mind tries to fight it.
The heart fights back claiming it has a mind of its own.............and the mind is speechless and left in awe and disgust knowing its about to be ignored again.
...and so, the heart which has ironically changed colours on seeing colours,leaves the baffled mind and rushes right back to square one--painting pictures again...
"colours are funnnnnn..we would never have a masterpiece if it wasn't for them!!" the heart exclaims, splashing a few drops here and there.
"they can get washed away into nothing too..they are not permanent.Stay within the limits of the black and white world, lest they wash you away with them" warns the mind.
"Ohh get lost, killjoy!! I dont need you here.How can you forget that one can only sketch in black and white.I am an artist who has always hoped to create a masterpiece someday and i think, i have found my paradise"
"hmm..until we meet again, my friend..all the best, until we meet again" the skeptic mind sighs as it bids farewell to the mesmerised heart.
...and the sky is adorned with a rainbow of several hues, as the sun shines with contentment and the clouds hold greys of distant yet beautiful possibilities, once again, making the world feel like a dream... full of promise...
yeah..its true..dreamers never learn!! :)
The greys can only confuse us and colours, most often than not, prove to be just a passing phase--an illusion!
yet colours are far more fascinating to the human eye and greys carry with them hopes of endless possibilities, which even though out of reach are something the heart doesn't want to give up on.
Perhaps thats exactly why we often see things in 'black & white' only in hindsight. It is only then that we realise that had we not spent so much time in searching for those elusive 'colours' and deciphering (or trying to decipher)those confusing 'greys', life would have been so much less complicated.
Having realised the reality of the whole situation, our heart silently promises our mind that it would never fall prey to these rose tinted mirages again.
...until one day, suddenly out of the blues, we see a palette full of colours lying around somewhere.
The heart skips a beat..the mind reminds it of its promise.
The heart does a flip flop..the mind tries to fight it.
The heart fights back claiming it has a mind of its own.............and the mind is speechless and left in awe and disgust knowing its about to be ignored again.
...and so, the heart which has ironically changed colours on seeing colours,leaves the baffled mind and rushes right back to square one--painting pictures again...
"colours are funnnnnn..we would never have a masterpiece if it wasn't for them!!" the heart exclaims, splashing a few drops here and there.
"they can get washed away into nothing too..they are not permanent.Stay within the limits of the black and white world, lest they wash you away with them" warns the mind.
"Ohh get lost, killjoy!! I dont need you here.How can you forget that one can only sketch in black and white.I am an artist who has always hoped to create a masterpiece someday and i think, i have found my paradise"
"hmm..until we meet again, my friend..all the best, until we meet again" the skeptic mind sighs as it bids farewell to the mesmerised heart.
...and the sky is adorned with a rainbow of several hues, as the sun shines with contentment and the clouds hold greys of distant yet beautiful possibilities, once again, making the world feel like a dream... full of promise...
yeah..its true..dreamers never learn!! :)
Just some things I want to say...
Sometimes everyone wants to be loved and needed.
There are no problems that cannot be fixed. Some people are the ones who are beyond repair.
Unless you have had your heart broken and shredded to tiny sharp shards, you won't even realise that it's there.
When I first met him I looked for a lot of reasons to justify being with him. Today, I can't seem to find one reason to not be with him.
Hope is a funny thing. So funny that at times it makes you want to cry.
Its so scary that my future is intricately linked to uncertainty.
I'm not looking for answers or solutions. I just want someone to distract me from this crap for a while.
If only I could reach out to my skull and pull out this mulch bag titled memories.
I now seem to be allergic to the word called love.
I probably need to take a blither approach to life.
Sometimes the more you know about others, the lesser you want to reveal about yourself.
Its very important for people to know that as they are taking time deciding something, there is someone out there patiently waiting for the answer.
Life can and never will be smooth sailing.
I'm much stronger than I thought I could possibly be.
Paths always cross. Its up to us to decide if we want to move forward or not.
Some truths are better left buried. Deep.
I'm an eternal optimist. I'll fight until God gives up.
Alice in Wonderland moment - 1
The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
[Alice checks Hatter's temperature]
Alice : I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
To survive this world you have to be as mad as a hatter which luckily i am
My story so far...
life is something which comes with a different meaning each day.I fail to define it in few abstract words.I feel a different person each day and i keep exploring myself as the life goes on.Sometimes, i feel by the time i would understand myself completely,my life would come near an end.Mistakes i did , have taught me to be bold and brave and to face the world whatever it comes up with.
Summing up my life, lessons i had learnt , joys i spread, feelings that hurt me is my post...about my whole life in a few words...
1. I dream a lot.slightly more than other people do.my dreams are important part of my life.I visualise my future in my dreams..they have hurt me too when they deny to become a reality.i've learned to expect them not to be reality always.
2.Emotions are much higher in my life than practicality..I do not understand why do people say i should be practical..how does my bloody life affect you..if i fall down , i would get up on my own.let me pave my own way.
3 . Fairy tales do come true.All you need is to have faith in them.My life had been like a fairy tale too..What i believe is love has the power to change the world.chaning a person is too easy a task.when you love truly , you get back love.keep faith alive.
4.Transparency is another trait of me.When i cant be the way i truly am with you , i would leave.I need to be made feel at home.and its not that tough..I expect people around me to wear no faces and just be transparent.I need to peep inside your heart and soul to see your true beauty.
5.I want my man to be true to me always...I would give away my life for your sake just do not let my love go in vain.reciprocate my love and i would be all yours..always walking with you through all the troubles forever.
6. I do not find it easy to tolerate double standards and low mentality.why do you keep looking at the world from a window..come outside and see how beautiful this world is...all you need is to widen your horizon...
7. Family to me is perfect place to be, to feel comfortable and free.I love my family and no matter we fight over small things when time comes, we are there for each other.parents are the only ones who love us unconditnally,they are willing to forgive us for the worst we did.love them and respect them.
8. Marriage....I feel its a perfect union of two souls who become one soul two bodies.Some of the folks have misinterpreted the term .They have used it for all kinds of atrocities which frightens me.
9.I will not change myself for anyone.I do not believe in changing in love.whether for good or bad, you cant expect your partner to change for your ease and comfort.
10 I love the feeling of love...i cant live without love.none of us can but a few claim they can. i do not take the risk of even saying it...love is all i need.
Here i am ...a wandering soul ... at a split end ...just waiting to see what direction life takes...
